Talking prolix

Oni daiko off at Kanai festival last weekend

Jings, I can slaver a load of mince. I stuck the background way below as optional reading otherwise here's the cream of the crop:

The funniest incident at this last work party a week last Friday occurred in the toilet, of all places. Upon my first excursion to the can, after holding on for as long as possible like all male beer drinkers (cause the path gets well worn once you start), I went into the toilet exchanging my shoes for toilet slippers as usual. Even the bogs have special footwear in Japan - generally the sink where you wash and dry your hands is outside the toilet and as you go through the door you exchange your shoes for a pair of garish rubber slippers. One of the funniest things that you can supposedly do is come back to a party with the toilet slippers on. This is Japanese comedy remember.

Just as I was doing this, another guy from my office was coming out of the bog so we kind of did a relay race hand over with the rubber slippers acting as batons. He's a youngish chap with very short hair, whom I've played football against a while back. He used to be a good baseball player until he knackered his elbow and that's why I thought he had the shaved head (Japanese baseball players all go for a skin head for some reason). However, earlier that evening I had found out that he was a Buddhist and that was the reason why he had the short hair. Like the punter played by David Carradine in Kung Fu.

As I'm entering the toilet, this guy I dunno his name, shouted something into me and laughed and I agreed with whatever he said (my Japanese becomes more adventurous when I've had a couple) and I saw him bugger off back to the party with my peripheral vision. I was alone now and I continued to whizz for a while, as I said it was the first of the night, and just as I was near finishing, I farted. Like you do. Well I do anyway, seems like what ever I was holding onto in the water works department also held up the gas works too. Nothing special, not that long, loud, reeking or particularly tuneful. It's not that I'm writing home about. Just as my rasp ended the skin head guy popped his head around the door, said something really quickly that I didn't understand, and pished himself laughing. I almost shat myself. What a fright he gave me. I was just coming to the end of a much needed hit or a miss (notice it could be a miss or a hit too), enjoying the relief and a little bonus parp and he almost gives me a ruddy heart attack. Immediately after getting over the fright I was quickly embarrassed which gave me a rapid beamer then after two seconds the booze overrode that, I laughed and farted for a second time as if to prove that I didn't give a damn. Which I didn't. This bloody nut case then scurried off back to the party whilst I completed my transaction at the urinal.

I'd love to know what he said.

"I'll name that tune in one"

"Knit a cardy out of that"

"It's just as well I have short hair, Grasshopper"

Answers on a postcard please, or comment below.

I hope it leads directly to his enlightenment. I can just imagine the Buddhist fable that he'll write from this encounter, I'll save that parody for another time.



Background reading:
I mentioned back here about enkais, and for once I'll cash the cheque that my hands typed on the keyboard.

Caroline was tea total at her enkai a week last Friday as she was driving. A bus was laid on for mine however and I was happy to enjoy a few Friday night beers. Enkai's are very different from us going down to the pub on a Friday after work. Typical of the Japanese, they are very well organised and follow a semi strict protocol. The most surprising aspect is that they start and end at a set time after only a couple of hours though for the booze hounds there is usually a second and sometimes a third party. Typically each time the location moves the party number increments.

Most of my office enkai's have been held in a large function room of a hotel with tatami mat floors (reed matted flooring that you can't wear shoes or Colonel's* on), and almost always has a stage. At the last party, there were two very long tables with mini seats down both sides, where each table had 20 odd punters each. The bosses sit in the middle and the rank usually goes down until the end of the table, where I always sit. Fair enough. There's always a spread of food - sashimi - basically sushi minus the little ball of rice, nabe - a big dish used to make all sorts of stews sitting on a gas boiler at the table - pronounced nabby, tempura, pickles and various other things depending upon the time of year.

The food really plays second fiddle to the booze, of which there is plenty of beer and sake. The large 600 odd ml bottles of either Sapporo, Kirin or Asahi are brought to the tables by the staff, where each beer drinker has a small glass. It's Japanese custom not to pour your own beer, rather you pour for those of you around you. I've never seen the staff pour (apart from one guy they had to pour into the back of a cab). The pouring business is to promote communication, which isn't really required with beer in my opinion, quite the opposite in fact. It's a nice custom in many ways but you tend to lose track of how much you have been drinking but it takes effort to get really drunk using these little glasses.

Getting really drunk can be achieved by drinking beer and sake at the same time. The Japanese like to see how much you can drink. Due to history where we used to add alcohol to our water and what not to sanitise it and the Japanese didn't, many of them get drunk really quickly. We've adapted and evolved into better boozers. It's really funny as their faces go bright red and they look stuffed no matter how much they try to hold it together. Some of them can booze it up and like to give any big Western dumplings a run for their money. I'm no specialist boozer, I enjoy a drink and tend to stick to beer, wine or sake over here and I try not to mix as that's when things go pear shaped. I have been completely pished twice in the last 6 months and it has to be said that's when I've mixed drinks (beer and Jinro some Korean grain spirit that's also called shochu) and another point is that my memory is really terrible these days. Fortunately office Japanese office etiquette is to act super professional during office hours and so nothing is mentioned even if you gave them the old elephant with cloth ears party piece.

* Mackney rhyming slang for baffies - "Colonel Gaddafi's". Baffies is Scots slang used in some parts of Scotland for slippers.