Scots for Dummies

As a kid I liked the book 'The Twits', so I was impressed when I recently stumbled across 'The Eejits', which is 'The Twits' translated into Scots.

As it says on the publisher's site, more or less, it's the same Roald Dahl story about the world's most revolting couple - Mr Twit was horrible and hairy and his wife Mrs Twit was just plain ugly, in The Eejits they are honkin, mawkit, bowfin and clarty and Mrs Eejit's hackitness is revealed in all its manky glory.

What a great idea. I wander if it ever went under the working title 'The Numpties'. Wouldn't it be great if other publishers took it upon themselves to branch into the Scots domain?

As it happens, now we can almost bring this into reality:



Alright, so this website allows you to mock up a would be 'for Dummies' book cover, and this may turn into a kind of caption competition for anyone that can be humped, but it made me chuckle. Even this mob will host your generated images for nowt.

I may have made a rookie mistake of assuming that people are familiar with the 'for Dummies' book series, which is maybe something I should keep quiet about, as it's not so much going over folks heads as under, though we are talking about books here.

This has also been the longest setup, without a punchline right enough, since I spent a few years of my life in the '90s pretending to study Electrical and Electronic Engineering, with the sole purpose of answering the lecturer's question 'What is a transformer?'.

This is my first post since leaving Japan. I'm really busy training to become a teacher just now and shouldn't be mucking around with this. I get a few weeks break at Christmas when I hope to upload our last pictures of Japan, some since (which should be interesting), some writing about goings on and a formal closing ceremony on the blog, Japanese style.

Until December!

Kyameron no zubon wa doko desu ka?

Cam at Uchikaifu JHS in his kilt, ya hoor sir!

Well I've just come down from the Isle of Sado,
I'm awfy big but I'm no so bad - o!
All the rassies shout as I sneak by,
Kyameron no zubon wa doko desu ka?

Let the wind blow high let the wind blow low,
Through the schools in my kilt I go,
All the lassies cry "Harro!
Kyameron no zubon wa doko desu ka?

Buck Cherry 2007,
Duck Down Beeping Slag Records©

The man bags and the shecht rag

My new year Japanese message (It says 'Auld rang syne') and I like to take the odd swipe at the ridiculous Japanese national pride

Click on the joined pictures above to see our latest snaps on Sunny Sado, or click on the new flash dooda on the right.

My last post had 'man bag' in the title and I noticed on my site stats that someone was sniffing around my site looking for something related to a man bag. I bet they had to delve deep, past the first three google pages of the search to come up trumps with my post. I recently bought a bag, more a brief case type thing, you know for carrying around my skiffs, but it could be mistaken for a man bag. The Japanese geezers love their man bags, and there are some real belters around, most are really cheesy piles of silk lined, leather shite. Some however are very cool. Since investing in a bag it has to be said, they rule the school and it beats having pockets full of keich.

My one is made by this bunch, who make all sorts of bags, luggage and other tripe.

At the end of the Japanese version of The Office...

So once you think you're in you're out
'Cause you don't mean a single thing without
The man bags and the shect rag
That your poor old Grandad had to sweat to buy you

This verse is bang on the money, as it's all the old folks that work the rice fields in Japan, 'cause the young people can't be humped as they are too busy fannying around with their keitai (mobile/cell phone) or mucking around with their hair. I reckon there's trouble a brewing. They're going to have to get in some cheap foreign labour and that's not going to be popular with this very homogenous nation. Don't get me wrong, I'm not calling them a nation of brilliant bandits. That's the price of a good man bag you see, you can't have everything.

Scotsman in the land of no fork

Lion statue under lantern lit sakura, Kanai.


I don't drink oolong I drink bru my dear,
Like my breeks done on one side,
And you can hear it in my accent when I squawk,
I'm a Scotsman in the land of no fork.

See me sauntering down the paddy fields,
An arm and leg here at my side,
I take them everywhere I walk,
I'm a Scotsman in the land of no fork.

I'm an arian, I'm a regal arian,
I'm a Scotsman in a land of no fork,
I'm an arian, I'm a regal arian,
I'm a Scotsman in a land of no fork.

Buck Cherry 2007,
Duck Down Beeping Slag Records©

Two digit midgets

In the land of widgets,
We're two digit midgets.

Beginning to fidget,
we're not bored rigid,
Japan's not become frigid.

It's just,
I could murder some brisket,
or a digestive biscuit.

Losing m'id gets,
Longer wid' get...
Maybe you can dig it.

Buck Cherry 2007,
Duck Down Beeping Slag Records©